Heart Squeezes

I typed up a very benign email to my sister in law this afternoon, in response to her request for my kid’s birthdays so that she could put them on her calendar. The funny thing about it was that as I typed each child’s name and the corresponding birthday, I thought my heart would break because I love each one of them so. Just typing those wonderful “dates of significance” made my heart squeeze.

September 27, 2000:

Ernie was born. It was fall- but still warm in East Tennessee. I remember that I nested obsessively before Ernie was born and because of that compulsion I made a tablecloth that I finished a few days before I delivered him. That tablecloth is in a lot of the pictures we took in those first few weeks. Ernie was big (9lbs 1oz) and looked exactly like his dad. He was cute and sweet and despite being completely overwhelmed by my first newborn, I remember feeling a lot of awe and wonder regarding his perfect little fingers and toes, his perfect little body and being surprised that he already had such a distinct personality. I also remember feeling as if I had already known Little Ernie my whole life. There was never a “getting to know each other” time period with him.

August 23, 2002:

Nigel was born and it was still HOT outside. Nigel’s delivery was the easiest of all the kids. Ernie and I got up very early in the morning because Nigel was a scheduled induction and we were supposed to be at the hospital at 6am. I have a clear memory of struggling to get into the bucket seat of Ernie’s BMW M3 at 5:45am in the driveway of our house in Tennessee and seeing the sun starting to rise on our way to the hospital. Ernie’s mom came for the delivery and so she was there with me and Ernie when Nigel was born. Nigel was a gift and a joy. He was sweet and little, and love his heart, he had red hair at first that eventually faded to blond. Nigel was my baby that spent the first two weeks of his life sleeping on my chest. I suppose he just didn’t like sleeping alone.

 

May 3, 2004:

Labor with Emmaline started about Week 30 and then just kept on until I finally delivered her in Week 39. I started into heavy contractions on May 2nd in the 3rd hour of church on a 5th Sunday- which meant that Ernie was conveniently sitting next to me during that meeting. We rushed to the hospital after church where the contractions stopped a few hours later. Luckily they let me stay the night at the hospital and the next morning they broke my water and Emmaline was born around noon. Emmaline was such a little thing, she was my smallest baby: 7lbs 10oz. It was still chilly at night when we brought Emmaline home, but the bulbs were in bloom. She was excellent at nursing and an absolute delight to dress up. I remember being shocked at how feminine she looked to me compared to the boys. I had always assumed that newborns were essentially gender neutral in their looks, but Emmaline proved me wrong.

October 15, 2007

It was the middle of Fall in Northern Kentucky when Max was born. The leaves were amazing and since our house was on a wooded lot, every window in our house had an amazing view of red, orange, and yellow leaves. I spent a long Sunday night in labor at home and when I went to my regular doctor’s appointment on Monday morning I was dilated to 4. My contractions, of course, had stopped which was why I never called and just went ahead to my regular appointment. The doctor stripped my membrane and told me that within the hour I’d be in labor again. He was right. Max was born at 10:15pm. Ernie delivered him. When we checked out of the hospital, Ernie drove us home on a chilly, overcast day. Max came into our family and made everyone love him. It’s a gift that he has. 

 

I certainly didn’t start out being a particularly sentimental mother. I was too busy feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed in the beginning. However, the gratitude and the wonder have grown over time and now I am not sure why I couldn’t see it so clearly back then. Motherhood is a gift especially made for Rebecca Smith. I needed these 4 little babies to help me be a better person. They are all of them, wonderful, witty, and unique and watching them grow up is a joy.