What Do We Tell the Kids?

Ernie had his “procedure” done today. As Ernie is not shy about discussing it, feel free to read all his thoughts on the matter on his blog. This is the story about after.

The nurse opened the door and beckoned to me, and then Ernie slowly (gingerly) walked into the waiting room. I thought that he was walking slowly from the pain. But no. When I got up to him he seemed a little unsteady and he was acting more than a little strange. He fist-bumped the nurse. He kept mumbling about donuts. He almost fell over.

The nurse realized that the “after procedure instructions” were going to be lost on Ernie, so she began to speak directly to me (at which point Ernie swayed and the nurse and I both had to catch him again). I took the info, put my arm around Ernie and guided him to the door. In the parking lot- as I was putting him in the car he pulled out his phone, insisted that I go to Krispy Kreme, and couldn’t keep his head steady. That’s when I realized how inebriated he was.

It was a chore to keep the phone out of his hands- he was insistent on making phone calls, despite the fact that he couldn’t pronounce several words and when talking to his sister, he kept telling her that he loved her- A LOT. He called his dad twice. He told one of his co-workers that the nurse “shaved his scrotum”.

I began to wonder how Ernie had managed to put his own pants back on. When I asked, he said that the nurse helped… well- that really the nurse had dressed him.

I asked Ernie exactly what the doctor had given him. He said he wasn’t sure, but that it was a shot and he thought it was a liquid form of valium.

Which leads us to the point where I decided that Ernie was not safe unattended and that he was going to have to go with me to pick up the kids from my friend’s house. Now, the children know nothing of these shenanigans, beyond my telling them that “Daddy has a doctor’s appointment” and that they were going to have to stay at a friend’s house after school. So I prepared them by telling them that Daddy had to take medicine that makes him talk funny and walk funny.

Little Ernie’s comment after we got home: “Hmmm. That medicine Dad took is weird stuff, Mom.”

Nigel’s (the more insightful child) comment: “Why exactly did Dad take that medicine?”

Where’s Ernie now? Passed out in bed. When he stumbled into bed he asked me to bring him his computer so he could get some work done and I pulled a classic “mom move” and told him “Sure thing, I’ll be back in 5 minutes” knowing full well that he wouldn’t be awake in two.