Some days I think being a Man would be easier

I have been hesitant to blog for the last few weeks, not because there hasn’t been anything to say- but more because I haven’t had the words to articulate the things I’ve been mulling over in my head- and beyond the things in my head, I haven’t had much else to blog about (except for Nigel’s baptism, which was wonderful!).

For starters, I am having one of my regularly scheduled reevaluation sessions with myself. These sessions comes up at least once a year and they are often triggered by my frustration with household chores and then they snowball. You might be wondering at this point, what exactly it is that I am reevaluating with myself so regularly and the answer to that is my role as a stay at home mom.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with being a stay at home mom.

On the love side

• I get to be with my kids for all the normal, mundane (important) things in life
• All the togetherness for the mundane activities allows for lots of important teaching moments
• I am flexible during the week. I can be at the school if I need to. I can offer last minute Relief Society service pretty easily. I can meet Ernie for lunch on a whim.
• I have time to manage the minutia of running a household and it doesn’t take away from time with the kids.
• I am available for all the major holidays and all of summer vacation.
• I have time to read books, to sew quilts, to go to the gym.

On the hate side

• I am responsible for cleaning the house- even if I don’t do it, the ultimate responsibility is mine to make sure that it gets done. (This is a huge dislike for me).
• I am embarrassed to tell people that I spend my time at the gym, sewing quilts, reading books. I feel like this gives the impression that I lead a life of leisure and that I am not interested in working hard.
• I am ambitious (and I like praise) and I struggle with feeling trapped at home.
• I used to worry that maybe I was lazy and that I wasn’t smart enough to be employed. (Then I got a job when the older kids were young and I realized that people dumber than me get hired every day).
• Now I worry that if I wait too long, the career option I want will be closed to me.

So now we come to the crux of the issue for me. I am confident that this issue is highly personal and every woman is entitled to receive personal revelation about what works for them. But how am I supposed to resolve my significantly contrasting feelings? This issue goes so far beyond working or not working. It has to do with how I view myself and what parameters I allow for defining myself.

Which is why- today- I decided that things would be a whole lot easier if I were a man. Ernie never had to question the parameters given to him for defining himself. He always knew that he would go to work and that he would do that every day until retirement. He knew that he would be defined by his career path and he wouldn’t have to sit down and figure out every few months which hobbies made him who he was. I know many women who tell me that all they ever wanted was to be a stay at home mom and they can’t imagine doing anything else. I struggle with feeling ashamed and guilty that I haven’t settled smoothly into the trappings of Motherhood the way I’ve seen other people do.

I’m working to make peace with the truth that my ambition in life is not just to parent my 4 children, but to also Broaden and Contribute in the world around me. Since I am obviously not happy being defined by other people’s definition of a stay at home mom, I’ve decided that instead the people that I want to impress are my children. I want my kids to see me placing the highest priority on living the gospel, focusing on education (all kinds, not just college), and reaching outside of comfortable social groups and stepping out into the world where we all can do much good. I want my kids to be proud of me.