In talking to my mom this afternoon, my blog came up in conversation. I told her that part of my problem in the past with journaling is that I have not been able to stomach the thought of writing down every single thing that is happening. I just don't want to journal about the bad stuff. I can't handle it. Since I am spending a good portion of my energy editing my life in my own mind- turning around and writing it all down just negates all my work! One thing that I love about my blog is that for the last 11 days I have created the equivalent to a "positive thought journal" and I am happier for it. What a blessing it is to be able to sit back and reflect on the day and seek out something positive or poignant.
So I suppose in a way this makes me untruthful, but the editing is keeping me sane. It also reminds me that I would rather be focusing on what really matters: Ernie, the kids, Heavenly Father. And that you become what you think about... you become what you choose to fixate on. I am a compulsive self-analyzer [is that even a word???] and so I spend a good portion of my time trying to be my own therapist and figure out why I am motivated to say or do certain things; or why I have certain emotional reactions. I've decided that it's okay not to spill everything. My life is all about the edits.
Self-analysis January 2010
1. I am obsessed with personal responsibility
2. I would like to change the world for the better. My dream is to operate a "Blessings in a Backpack" type of charity.
3. I think that honesty (with no malintent) is ALWAYS the best policy. {no need to let unspoken feelings fester, causing an emotional outburst later}
4. Ernie is good at saying I'm sorry and that makes me better at saying I'm sorry
5. I have very high expectations for myself
6. Goals are my life-blood and the worst years of my life have been when I didn't have clear goals
7. I think managing expectations (my own and other people's) is vital for happiness
8. I am glad that I married a man who is NOT my opposite. We have the same meyers-briggs personality and it works very well for us.
9. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy for most of my life. Recently I have been able to accept the Atonement better and frankly, it's a relief.
10. I wish I could parent more like Heavenly Father parents me. I also wish that I could love everyone the way that Jesus loves them.
I think 2010 will be a banner year for the Smith Team!
p.s. on days when I just can't edit out the bad stuff, I lay in bed and fantasize about running away. I'm almost always better in the morning.
3 comments:
Darling-
I wish for one day you could see yourself through my eyes. Any self-doubt would dissipate like fog on a sunny day.
I think about running away with you, too. The thought is as comforting as any I have had.
Keep up the blog. I love it!
My Dear Friend,
What a comfort you have been to me since the day I met you. I'm excited to know you better through your blog.
Thanks for letting me be a part of your thoughts.
Melissa
ernie's adorable.
self-editing can be good if you realize it's because you're actively seeking out the good in your life. as long as you're not in la-la land. sounds like you've got a great balance. i'm a strong believer in seeking out the positive and i consider myself to be very real. i consider you to be the same.
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